Saturday, September 29, 2018

He's Guilty!

This has been quite a week for those of us who work with sex offenders and their victims. Bill Cosby; "Americas' Dad", was sent to prison for systematically using his power and privilege to victimize dozens of women over decades. Brett Kavanaugh, is being evaluated for a lifetime appointment to the Supreme Court, and is accused of sexual misconduct. There are people screaming (looking at you Lindsay!) on both sides of this issue; many of them are hysterical, and others are righteous. 

I spent 15 hours of Thursday travelling and participating in work-related activities, so I was unable to watch or listen to the testimony of Dr. Ford and Judge Kavanaugh in real time. I finally got home around 9 pm and began watching the testimonies; Dr. Ford first, then Judge Kavanaugh. While I did see/hear some of the opinions, I consciously watched each with the eyes of a Therapist.

Dr. Ford is a professor in psychology at Palo Alto University and a research psychologist at Stanford University of Medicine. I must admit I was impressed when she calmly used her area of expertise to describe how memory works. This was especially important in light of all the rhetorical questions asking, "what were you doing in the summer of 1982?" Many of us who were alive then, may have vague recollections of what may have happened that summer. For example, I recall where I lived and that was the summer between Grade 7 and 8 and I turned 13 years old. Those are all facts that can be extrapolated logically and verified by my sister. The part that is important to note, is that trauma cements moments in our memory with vivid details. That is why we all remember where we were on 09/11/2001, or 01/28/1986, or 11/23/1963 or countless other important dates that may be cemented in your memory because they were traumatic for you alone. For me, the date that stands out from that summer is 08/02/1982. Not because I kept a calendar from 36 years ago (that would be weird, don't you think?), but because I experienced a trauma that day. I wrecked my bike, broke my arm badly and was taken to the hospital in an ambulance. So I remember many details about that day that others I knew or you may not. Unless you're a hoarder who has a 1982 calendar and can tell me you met your bestie for lunch that day; chances are you have no real memory of that specific day because it wasn't important to you. Something critics of Dr. Ford and Judge Kavanaugh, are saying in defense of their actions. The day just wasn't as important to you as it was to Dr. Ford.

Listening to Dr. Ford's testimony as a therapist, I believe her. She conveyed her recollections of that event in a way a normal person would. I would be skeptical if she walked us through that event in vivid detail as if we were there. She didn't; she talked about recollections of where the bed sat, where the door to the bathroom was located, and the event itself. She remembered sounds, feelings... the recollection that jumped out at me, she remembered laughter. 

Judge Kavanaugh, on the other hand became angry, His countenance was contorted, his voice harsh and accusatory. He shifted blame for the event. He resorted to "whataboutism", a lazy debate method. He normalized the behavior of 18-year old boys who drank beers, 'everyone was doing it'. He spoke the way a white male who has lived a life of privilege would when met with criticism. On a side note, he did not EARN his position, it was gained as a reward for partisan activism. He made his name as a clerk for Ken Starr, then became a lawyer for the Bush campaign during the Florida recount and was given a position in the Bush White House. He was awarded for his work with a top-tier seat on the Federal bench in 2003. His life has been one of privilege through connections. So you can understand how frustrating it would be to actually be held to account for deplorable behavior. People in power hate that! 

It is that unquestioned privilege along with something Dr. Ford said that convinced me he was guilty. 

It was the laughter. 

When someone is committing sexual assault; they are nervous, they are scared they will be discovered. They want to get it over as soon as possible and if they have an audience, that person is nervous too and usually serving as a sentry. In this case, the scene described by Dr. Ford is one of ease. Kavanaugh had been in this situation before and so had his buddy. They were laughing. They knew what they were doing and enjoying it. I am certain there are other women, silenced by Kavanaugh's power and privilege. If not for Dr. Ford's one-piece swimsuit, she would have been raped that night. Most likely by both Kavanaugh and his buddy. 

He's Guilty! 

Saturday, September 22, 2018

Tap... Tap... Is this thing on?

Well, it's been...
  • Three years, Eight Months and Five days
  • 192 weeks
  • 1,344 days
… since my last post here. The popular consensus amongst people in my life is that Facebook killed blogs. It's so much easier to click like, share an article or a picture, make an announcement, shout at people who are different than you or just passively participate in the online society than to ponder a topic and compose an articulate essay in order to share an experience, epiphany or opinion. 

In my absence, a number of things have happened in my life and in our world that I would have shared here, but I got lazy. Facebook is just so much easier; and that is a BAD thing as the results of the easy way out are played out on the national stage. 

You know the BIG bad thing that happened in Washington DC and continues to assault our sensibilities on a daily basis. But LIFE is lived with people and are measured in days and moments and accomplishments and changes that we move through every moment of every day. Since I've been gone... 
  • I've met and married a wonderful man
  • Travelled to a number of new places around the US
  • My two youngest children have graduated high school and are attending college. 
  • I no longer work for a Child Welfare agency
  • I'm now a social worker for a secure treatment facility for people adjudicated "Guilty Except for Insanity"
  • I'm a licensed Sex Offender Therapist
  • I'm a (soon to be) Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW)
  • We have adopted three rescue kitties, for a total of four fur-babies which includes two mini-panthers. 
  • I've essentially given up my struggle to lose weight. It is what it is. 
That's the major parts of my life over the past 3+ years, let's see what happens in this space next... 

Saturday, January 17, 2015

Saturday 9: Zing! Went the Strings of My Heart


  1. This song is about love at first sight. Do you believe that immediate attraction lasts?
    I believe in LUST at first sight. There has to be something carnal that attracts one to another, beyond that there must be a deeper connection in order to make the relationship last.
  2. The lyrics mention "a breath of spring" and robins singing. Now that we're deep into winter, what do you miss about spring?
    Daylight, heat, green, beauty, purpose… LIFE.
  3. Though the world knew her as Judy Garland, this week's featured artist was born Frances Gumm and her family called her "Baby." Does your family have any pet names for you?
    To the people that matter, I’m Dad. The Boy calls me “old man” when he’s feeling brave.
  4. bustin-out2Because she was petite -- just 4'11 -- it was obvious when Garland gained even a few pounds and consequently she battled her weight her whole life. Now that we're in the new year, have you made any resolutions about your own diet?
    Over the past two years I’ve lost a total of 130 lbs. (see widget in sidebar), I’d like to lose another 45-50 lbs. Whether that happens this year or beyond… it’s a significant goal.
  5. The year this song came out, 1939, was the year Garland's most famous movie, The Wizard of Oz, was released. Which of her three traveling companions is your favorite: Scarecrow, Tin Man or Cowardly Lion?
    I loved Scarecrow. He was intellectually curious and demonstrated critical thinking skills. When I was younger, I didn’t know that was what he was doing, but I respected him for it.  
  6. Barry Manilow enjoyed Judy's performance of this song so much he did a "dream duet" with her and included it in his recent CD. What performer who is no longer with us do you wish you could have seen in concert?
    That is a tough one. I am really into music so the list is long. John Lennon, Johnny Cash, Ray Charles… I saw Stevie Ray Vaughn the summer before he died, but I’d love to see him again. The one that tops the list though, Freddie Mercury!
  7. Judy had a terrible problem with tardiness. Are you usually prompt?
    Yes
  8. lgbtyouthDuring World War II, Judy worked tirelessly to entertain the troops. Tell us about a cause that's near and dear to your heart.
    Homeless youth. Generally they are homeless because they are LGBT and their “christianist” families are so full of love they have disowned their child. Fargin’ Bastages!
  9. The American Film Institute lists Garland as the 8th greatest movie star of all time. Who is your all time favorite actor or actress?
    John Wayne, Clint Eastwood, Sean Connery, Humphrey Bogart, Lauren Bacall, Maureen O’Hara, Denzel Washington, Meryl Streep, Johnny Depp, Helena Bonham-Carter, Alan Rickman, Tom Hanks, Robin Williams, Matt Damon, Ben Affleck, Gregory Peck, Cary Grant, Doris Day, James Garner… shall I go on?

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

2015 Goals

Happy-New-Year-2015-Goals-HD-Facebook-Cover

2015 is off to a roaring start… before it gets too far gone I must make my annual list of goals I’m setting for myself. I did a lot of driving last week so I had time to really ponder what I wanted to accomplish this year. They became rather lofty the longer I drove. Somewhere around Hood River I was thinking I could write a novel. Considering the gaps in posts to this humble blog, I felt that the great American novel may be out of reach. In the end, I felt the KISS (Keep It Simple Stupid) Method was perhaps the best way to go.

  1. To lose 45 lbs. -- Two years ago I set an arbitrary goal weight… 235 lbs. I am just 45 lbs. away. That’s just 3.75 lbs. per month… totally doable!
  2. Purchase and most importantly USE a bicycle – I used to love riding a bike… 30 years ago! I see so many people in lycra cruising the county roads and appearing to enjoy it. They certainly look fit. Maybe I’ll look HOT in lycra?
  3. Take a REAL vacation – I’m not sure what that means, but I’ll know it when I see it. I think a REAL vacation is more than just a long weekend in Seattle or Boise.
  4. Perform my job duties EXCELLENTLY! – Again, not sure what that will look like, but I’ll know it when I see it. The biggest sign will be if I am still in my current job or something better by January 2016… that would be EXCELLENT!
  5. UNPLUG – I hear this is the trendy thing to do in the world of expanding television channel offerings and bundled services. I currently pay $140/month for DishTV and internet and $7 a month for Netflix. I could get stand alone internet service, with Netflix AND Hulu AND Amazon Prime for HALF what I’m paying for Dish. My current agreement with Dish ends in August I think.

There you have it… FIVE goals. Here’s to a prosperous New Year!

happy-new-year-2015-gold-3748

Sunday, January 11, 2015

Sunday Stealing: 2014/2015

Wantonly Stolen from: German Language Rocks

Good-Bye-2014-Welcome-2015

  1. What experience would you love to do all over again?
    -- Watching the Seahawks win the Superbowl… wait! I may get to do that again!
  2. What was the best gift you received?IMG_0494
    --
    Time with my kids as they transition to being young adults 
  3. How did your overall outlook on life evolve?
    -- After years of being who I though others wanted to me to be, I embraced the Shakespearean Mantra… To thine own self be true.
  4. What was the biggest problem you solved?
    -- I let a smooth talker with a nice body move into my house, it took three months to get him out.
  5. What was the funniest moment of your year, one that still makes it hard not to burst out laughing when you think about it?
    -- The weekend we had in Boise in June was a lot of fun.
  6. What purchase turned out to be the best decision ever?
    -- My very own washer and dryer… no more wasted afternoons at the Laundromat.
  7. What one thing would you do differently and why?
    -- Look at the Joy Jar post… every event is a learning opportunity; especially the ones that started off as a good idea at the time.
  8. What do you deserve a pat on the back for?Progress
    -- Moments of personal growth and accomplishment… goals that are met, obstacles overcome. And those moments when I resisted the urge to smack someone repeatedly with a tackhammer.
  9. What activities made you lose track of time?
    -- Those glorious moments with family and friends away from the duties of daily life.
  10. What did you think about more than anything else?
    -- Uncertainty of my ability to be victorious over the challenges before me.
  11. What topics did you most enjoy learning about?
    -- The procedures that go with the new responsibilities at work
  12. What new habits did you cultivate?
    -- Eating less, moving more.
  13. What advice would you give your early-2014 self if you could?
    -- Listen to you gut, pay attention to the red flags… be strong!
  14. Did any parts of your self or your life do a complete 180 this year?
    -- If something isn’t working for you… change it. My weight, my career trajectory, my relationships… if it isn’t working, why keep banging your head against the wall?
  15. What or who had the biggest positive impact on your life this year?
    -- Losing weight had a huge personal impact on how I feel about myself. My boss had an impact by believing in me for new responsibilities at work.
  16. What do you want the overarching theme for your 2015 to be?
    -- To Thine Own Self Be True
  17. What do you want to see, discover, explore?
    -- I’m not sure yet. I want to continue to explore my ability to participate in physical activities. I would love to travel this year, but finances are always an issue.
  18. O2BWho do you want to spend more time with in 2015?
    -- I always want more time with my kids than I get.
  19. What skills do you want to learn, improve or master?
    -- I want to learn how to properly lift weights with proper nutrition to achieve the embodiment of BEAST MODE.
  20. Which personal quality do you want to develop or strengthen?
    -- I want to increase my ability to think and speak rationally in pressure situations.
  21. What do you want your everyday life to be like?
    -- Less stressful… I want to be able to change the things I can, not stress the things I can’t and the wisdom to know the difference.
  22. Which habits do you want to change, cultivate or get rid of?
    -- I want to increase the commitment and stability of healthy eating.
  23. What do you want to achieve career-wise?
    -- Since I achieved a major shift in my profession in 2014, I want to continue growing in that position and achieve excellence in it.
  24. How do you want to remember the year 2015 when you look back on it 10/20/50 years from now?
    --As with every year, I want to be better at the end than I was at the beginning. That can mean so many things.
  25. What is your number one goal for 2015?
    -- Rather than regretting my mistakes, I want to see them not as regrets, but as learning opportunities.

Joy Jar - 2014

Happy Jar - FullIn 2014 I was challenged to make a Joy Jar. I got an interesting jar with plans to decorate it (as pictured, that didn’t happen) and put slips of paper with the things that made me happy or brought me joy during the year. I also put ticket stubs in there since I like movies and they bring me Joy. On 01/01/15 I opened the jar and began sorting through the slips of paper. I noticed two things…

  1. The ups out numbered the downs in 2014 and they brought back good memories.
  2. During the down times, there are gaps. Which means I need to do a better job of seeing the joy in my life even on the stressful days.

Below are the things that brought me JOY in 2014… some were short lived, others made a tremendous impact… some were lessons learned… some were a fork in the road. They are written just as I wrote them on that day with the same emphasis. I thought about adding commentary, but I think I’ll just leave them as they are and let them speak for themselves.

January

1 – I saw Saving Mr. Banks
2 – Avery learned I was in Pendleton and asked me to stop by where she was. She gave me a BIG HUG and said “I love you”. **She also noticed I have been losing weight.
4 – Avery stopped by and brought me a Dutch Bros coffee.
4 – Fitting into size 50 pants.
5 – 10462963_10152688101638833_1759587679860932595_nBohemian Rhapsody
9 – Meaghan advised me not to apply for the job in John Day.
10 – Having a chat with Andrew about REAL christianity and GENUINE spirituality.
11 – SEAHAWKS WIN
15 – Buying prescription sunglasses
17 – New couch
19 – Ginger & Darrell came over to watch the NFC game with me. GO HAWKS!!!
20 – Walking in the MLK Peace Walk – Life’s most persistent and urgent question is what are you doing for others? MLK
27 – Tom reminding me of great music of our youth. Loud & Singing along!
30 – Offered a chance to be a supervisor in Boardman

February

2 – SEAHAWKS WIN!!!russell-wilson-champion9 – I saw August Osage County
22 – Met Richard… dinner at Applebee's… Ams vs. EverettBlazers

March

1 – Blazer game with Bryan
2 – Breakfast with Rosalynda & Bryan
5 – MF asked me to be with him at an appointment for support and advice.
6 – I met a most wonderful/beautiful man.
7 – I saw Need For Speed

April

4 – I saw Captain America: Winter Soldier with Avery & Jessica
13 – Hawks Tattootatt 413

May

7 – Being recruited by a social service agency.
24 – I saw X-Men: Days of Future Past
31 – I saw Maleficent with Avery & Jess

June

2 – Interview at Astoria
12 – Jess finished the 8th grade
14 – Spending the day with Jess
15 – Avery took me to lunch #FathersDay
19 – Interview for Pendleton supervisor
25 – I GOT IT! The new gig starts 7/1
27 – Traveling to Boise with Jess
28 – Boise Music Festival with Bryan & Jess10449966_10152974943013989_7096449895777275877_n29 – Touring the Old Idaho Prison with Jess & Bryan

July

1 – New gig in Pendletonmoving in
25 – I saw Hercules

August

2 – Moved to Pendleton
3 – Andrew asked for a key so he could “hang” since HS is nearby
7 – Andrew came to watch Hawks pre-season game
10 – Jess’ cake won GRAND CHAMPION at the Fair
17 – I met T
19 – First “date” at GP
22 – First road trip to Portland.
30 – T moved in
** Not many Joys coming up **OMG Dame Edna

September

3 – Seeing T as a woman… wow!

October

10 – I saw Gone Girl

November

1 – I saw The Judge
10 – I saw Interstellar
11 – A much needed day at home ALONE
14 – Amazing event at work
14 – Coworker told me that they weren’t sure I would take to my new job. She and other managers have been impressed.
27 – Avery, Andrew and Jess were here for Thanksgiving.

December

4 – T is finally gone… GOOD Riddance!
25 – Andrew, Avery and Jess came over to exchange Christmas gifts. 10424999_10152944082173833_2708096184867300918_n

Saturday, January 10, 2015

Saturday 9: Dancing With Myself

Saturday 9: Dancing with Myself (1980)


  1. This song is one of Billy Idol's biggest hits. Can you name another?
    Seriously? YES…. White Wedding, Rock the Cradle of Love, Rebel Yell, Mony Mony, Hot in the City, Eyes without a Face, Got to be a Lover…
  2. When is the last time you danced around your home?
    This morning
  3. In this song, Billy says he dances with his own reflection. Is there a mirror in the room you're in right now?
    Yes, but it’s one of those that has a shelf for knick-nacks and looks like a window.
  4. Dancing with Myself is also the name of Billy Idol's 2014 autobiography. Let's say you're going to write your life story. What do you title it?
    Life is a Bitch… if it were easy, it would be a whore.
  5. This month, Billy resumes his 2014-15 concert tour in New Orleans. Have you ever been to Louisiana?
    Sadly, no…. but it’s on my Bucket List vcr3
  6. In 1980, when "Dancing with Myself" was first popular, VHS players were all the rage. Do you still have yours?
    No, the last VCR went to the Blockbuster in the sky several years ago.
  7. In 1980, The Love Boat was getting good ratings. Have you ever taken a cruise?
    Again… sadly, no. But it’s on my Bucket List
  8. Sally Field won her first Oscar in 1980 for the movie Norma Rae. Five years later she won a second Oscar for Places in the Heart and delivered one of the most quoted acceptance speeches in Academy history. Do you remember what she said?
    Everybody in my generation does… You like me… You REALLY like me!
  9. In 1980, People magazine named Stephen King one of the most intriguing people of the year because he had two big paperback bestsellers -- The Dead Zone and The Shining. Do you have a favorite Stephen King book?
    Salem’s Lot, The Shining and Carrie

2014: The Year That Was–A Report Card

The new year is ten days old… time to wrap up 2014 and set some new goals for 2015. 2014-2015-calendar-hero1

I posted my goals for 2014 on January 12th… HERE. The report card is as follows.

Physically

  • To participate in local physical events that benefit causes I’m passionate about. Up first is The Climb on April 12th to raise awareness of bullying, self-harm and suicide prevention. – I attempted The Climb, but only made it about 1/4 mile up the mountain. I also attempted a couple other 5k’s with increased success, finishing both of them. Also, I started “running” in June. I enjoy it, mainly because it’s easy to push myself to make it to the next corner or driveway. I’m following the “Couch to 5k” program. I use an app that has me running/walking in circuits to increase stamina. (Grade: B)
  • 1935957dTo purchase and use a bicycle. – Didn’t happen. (Grade: F)
  • To look Damn Sexy like Chris Pratt (good lord! look at him!). This picture is from the amazing 2014 movie Guardians of the Galaxy. If you didn’t see that movie, perhaps you know him as the woofy Andy Dwyer on the NBC show, Parks and Recreation? – Didn’t happen… at least not in 2014. I was somewhat consistent with exercise, but not enough to post shirtless selfies. I’m hopeful for 2015. (Grade: C)
  • GRADE: D

Personally

I know that I will never find the man of my dreams as long as I’m damaged goods. I need to feel good about myself and be the person with whom I would want to be in a relationship. Over the past five years, I haven’t had much luck finding the right guy, and it seems I was the common denominator in all those failures… wherever you go, there you are. – Oh boy did I pick a clinker this year. A three month “relationship” that took that long mostly just to get him out of my house after I let the lust of the initial connection overpower my senses.

  • Maybe if I looked more like Chris Pratt and less like Chris Farley? – Getting better, but still not ready for shirtless selfies.
  • Be confident in who I am and live a life with no regrets. – I hooked up with a couple guys that were possibilities for something more mainly due to my increased confidence that lead me to actually talk to these guys. The Clinker was a 6’6” black man with a smokin’ body and the mind of a sociopath.
  • Leaving the negativity of the past and embracing the possibilities of NOW. –Live and learn. Mr. Right is out there somewhere… Excelsior!
  • I feel that if I were more involved in LIFE, Mr. Right will find me. So I will get up and get out and participate. – Onward and Upward. As long as I take care of me, he will find me.
  • Grade: F … lessons learned, but the goal was unmet.

Professionally

At work, 2013 ended filled with optimism. I participated in a Leadership Project with The Agency and my annual performance review commended me for participation in that Project and in taking on several optional duty assignments. 

  • Continue to perform my duties and those voluntary duties with professional excellence.
  • Position myself to take advantage of advancement opportunities. – I won a promotion that began July 1st!
  • Take opportunities to be a valuable member of the team.grade_d_minus_0
  • GRADE: A

Overall grade for 2014 – D

This is better than I did in 2013… F

Perhaps I’ll get it right by the time I turn 50 in 2019?

Sunday, January 4, 2015

2014: The Year that Was, Pt. I

Sean of “Just A Jeep Guy” used to have a recurring meme called TMI. I usually posted on Thursday, because I do love a bit of alliteration. Something apparently tragic occurred to Sean’s cyber existence in 2014, I hope it resolves and he returns to the interwebs.

On December 26, 2013, I wrote THIS. Just how did my predictions play out?

Beautiful-Happy-New-Year-2014-HD-Wallpapers-by-techblogstop-2

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2014!

No resolutions! Just your best hopes and wishes for 2014!

  • Entertainment
    • channingMost who know me, know that I love movies. There are a number of films coming out in 2014 that I’m looking forward to seeing.
      • February – RobocopDidn’t see it. I heard it was a stinker.
      • March – 300: Rise of an Empire 
        --Didn’t see it.
      • April – Captain America: Winter SoldierSaw it… LOVED it!
      • May – X-Men: Days of Future Past, MaleficentSaw it… LOVED it!
      • July – Dawn of the Planet of the Apes, Jupiter Ascending (it has Channing Tatum) – I had some stuff going on in my life in July, I’ll post about it later this week. I didn’t see either of these. But, Planet of the Apes is available On Demand, so that one will be remedied.
      • December – AnnieI was looking forward to seeing this movie when I was just a concept. The more clips I see the less I want to see it. Even the great Jaime Foxx cannot touch Albert Finney’s performance and Cameron Diaz should have her performance erased from her resume.
        I did see quite a few movies in 2014, stay tuned for the post that results from opening the 2014 Happy Jar.
  • Politically
    • I’m sorry, I have no expectations of either party as 2014 is an election year. Which is saying something after the clusterfuck that was 2013. – No expectations… TONS of disappointment!
    • On the marriage equality front; between court cases and the ballot box equality will spread across the nationsochi. – And it did… 36 states and counting! I finally got one right!
  • Globally
    • The Sochi Winter Games will become an international Pride Festival. – It kinda did. Many delegations and individual athletes brushed aside Putin’s backwards anti-gay policies and openly demonstrated their support for equality.
  • Personally
    • There will be a fuller post regarding my personal goals for 2014 next week. That being said, my annual goal remain the same from year-to-year… I will continue to seek out ways to improve myself professionally, physically and emotionally so that I am a better human at the end of 2014 than I was at the beginning. – I definitely improved myself professionally. I won a promotion to a supervisory position at my place of employment. That was worth quite a few entries in the Happy Jar.
  • Friends
    • My best friends live too far away… my goals for the year is to make time to spend time with them on a more frequent basis.—I had a couple opportunities in 2014 to spend some good times with friends in Portland and Boise. Seattle is definitely on the To-Do list for 2015.  
  • Family
    • I am constantly reminded that my time with my kids is short and I’m not the one who controls the narrative of how they regard me; that is totally under the control of my X. I hope to take the time to make the most of it as I have another child turning 18 in 2014. I’ve got a plan on in the hopper for Spring Break. I’m hoping that the pieces fall into place. We haven’t been to the coast in two years. –The plan over spring break didn’t happen. The Boy turned 18 last week, that leaves me with just one minor child. I did get moved to Pendleton in 2014, but a disastrous romantic (snort) entanglement sucked the joy out of his final football season. The positive thing to being back in the same town as my kids allows them to pop by when the feeling strikes them. Actually, my eldest daughter has moved in with me. We try to make the best of it.
    Your Suggestion
    • meh… I’ve got nothing. Sorry Sean. – Still nothing.

Bonus

  • ianSexually
    • It is my hope that I will continue to improve myself and become the person that I would want to be with… hopefully, someone else would feel that way too… it would be awesome if that person were Ian Parks from Where the Bears Are. – Good God! Right after I moved back to Pendleton, I met a guy and even though I tried to keep an eye on the fluttering of red flags, he moved in with me and it took almost three months to get him out. He was a good looking TALL, black man… but being a controlling, paranoid, suspicious asshole cancels out the physical ‘attributes’ one would think comes along with being a tall black man. In my mind, romance takes place in the mind and in life outside the bedroom. So… Ian… I’m still available.

Saturday, December 20, 2014

Under Siege

StevenSeagalUnderSiege_coverThere is only one item on my Christmas List... it is been there for so many years maybe it's not possible to acquire... it's Security.

I feel like I live in a constant state of stress, anxiety… under siege. There is a disaster is lurking in the mailbox, under the hood of the car or behind the next ring of the phone.

I've tried grasping at security in the comfort of a relationship. Allowing red flags to flutter like they are in a Category 5 Hurricane, sacrificing my identity and my mental health as I grasp for security.

During the month of December the siege expands to gift expectations... court ordered poverty doesn't help.... two weeks to payday... less than a quarter tank of gas... and $30 in the bank. Now you see why I wish I could wave a wand and fast forward to January 5th.

Sunday, December 7, 2014

Rolling Along

My ill-advised relationship came to a sputtering end this past week as he packed his stuff out of my house and headed back to California. The last week had him sleeping on my couch, moping around the house and heaving heavy sighs. On several occasions he proclaimed that he didn’t understand what went wrong. I would restate my position… using small words. He would heap the passive aggressive martyrdom on the Facebook minions. Many of my friends had ‘friended’ him in a sign of support for our relationship wondered if he was really sleeping on a bench in the park as he insinuated. He was a very interesting fellow… if you didn’t dig too deep. The day he left, we hugged and I wished him luck. He maintained that we would stay in touch… and then he blocked me.

gtfo

Good Riddance!

The sad part is that the whole reason I sought out this transfer was to be in the same town as my son as he went through his senior year and one of the MAJOR reason I finally grew a set and ended it was when I learned that he had flipped off my son’s girlfriend as she walked past my house. Not only was it bad that a grown assed man flipped off a 16 year old girl that he didn’t know, but he denied it even happened… because there are just scores of 6’5” black men living in this town that just happened to be smoking a cigarette outside my house as she walked by. OMG JT

As I posted before, he was jealous, immature and paranoid. Anytime I spoke to, or even looked at another guy I was peppered with 20 questions with the insinuation that I was having sex with the individual. Initially, I would explain exactly how I knew the individual and say how ridiculous it was to think I was sexually involved or even attracted to them. Instead of accepting my explanation he accused me of lying.. which makes me irritated.

Honestly, he wasn’t my “type” in any way… except the sex. Damn… that was good!

For the foreseeable future… no relationship, no hookups. I’m going to focus on ME, my KIDS and my JOB. On balance 2014 has been a good year. My Joy Jar is full and I’m looking forward to opening it up on 01/01/15… stay tuned.

EXCELSIOR!

Saturday, November 22, 2014

He’s Single Again

1935957dIn August, shortly after I moved back to Pendleton for my sons' senior year and to take on a new assignment at work, I took myself out to the cinema to see "Guardians of the Galaxy". (I’ll take any chance to post a picture of Chris Pratt) I had spent the summer of 2014 growing increasingly disenchanted with the gay social networking sights... Grindr, Growlr and Scruff. The local prospects were shallow, closet cases or both. As I sat waiting for the previews to begin, I decided to delete them and take a break from 'putting myself out there'. I noticed a new face on Growlr... a handsome black man... tall (6'6") and about ten years younger than I. He said he was new to the area and seemed to be equally disenchanted with the local prospects. We chatted through the movie and agreed to meet for a drink afterwards. We chatted over drinks and things progressed from there.
I promised myself I wouldn’t make the mistakes of the past, something that I have felt has sabotaged other attempts at a relationship. Mistake #1… he moved in really soon. We joked that he was a hook-up that never left. There were red flags and I was honest when they would come up. The biggest ones were a lovely combination of self-pity and paranoia/jealousy. As my regular readers and people who know me in the real world, I enjoy people watching… especially guys who look like Chris Pratt. The paranoia/jealousy would rear its ugly head whenever he felt I was looking at a guy. He made me explain how I knew everyone on my friends list on Facebook. He made a fool of himself by responding to a text I received from a friend stating that he (the friend) was to stop contacting me because I was taken. He had no concept of the idea that two gay men could be friends without it turning into an orgy. He would get pissy at the pub when I would look at people. Granted, occasionally I would see someone who caught my eye… but mostly it was someone I knew from the community. I have lived here nine of the last 12 years.
We were together for three months, confrontations got better. But mostly I just got better at masking my wandering eye. By the way… let the record show that I never cheated on him. Never gave him any reason to believe I would… but there it was paranoia/jealousy.
The final straw was that none of my kids liked him. They saw him as a perpetual victim who judged them for their thoughts and feelings as well. My oldest daughter, who lives here too, spent a lot of time at friends house because she just couldn’t deal with him. She wanted to tell him how it was… but she didn’t for the sake of family harmony. The big one was when word came to me that he had flipped off my son’s girlfriend. He didn’t know it was her (which actually makes matters worse), but who does that? Flips off a teenaged girl on a residential street in a small town?
The hard part is that he still lives here.. I’ve told him he needed to be out by December 1st, but he played my soft heart and the holiday season. God, I hope this doesn’t last long. I’m being very forthright with my intentions. I fear the emotional manipulation will get thick.
Once I get his ass out of my house… it will be a LONG time before I step in the relationship pile of shit again.

Sunday, November 16, 2014

A Quick Update

I knew it has been a while since my last post, I just didn't realize how long.


Shortly after that last post, I was offered a promotion to a supervisory position at work. It has been quite a learning curve and there have been many challenges. I was talking to a colleague on Friday; she said that she has been impressed by how determined I have been to be successful in this position. Mainly I just want to prove to myself, and my mentor that I was the right choice for the job. I've always believed that the more frightening the prospect, the more worthy the accomplishment.


The new position is stationed in a town 30 miles from where I had been living the past three years. I spent a little over a month commuting, before moving in August. I enjoy being back in Pendleton. There is much more to life here... good music, good beer... good people.


Two weeks after I moved, I met a guy. We hit it off right away and have had a lot of fun. It's been three months, but there are things that make me doubt the prospects of the relationship lasting into the new year. That's all I'm going to say about it right now...


My weightloss journey has stalled... I haven't been to the gym for three months (one of the "issues" I alluded to in the previous paragraph has prevented it). The good news is that I haven't gained back anything significant. Calling it a stall is appropriate. On a positive note, October 28th was the one year surgi-versary. I can still say that I weigh 127 lbs less than I did one year ago.


If you're still reading this... thank you.


Stand by... there should be more to say soon.

Saturday, June 14, 2014

TMI: PRIDE 2014

It is PRIDE weekend in Portland… I’m missing it this year. But my heart is there in spirit.

Bear Pride

HAPPY PRIDE 2014!

gandalf-the-gay1. Tell me about your first Pride.

* My first pride was Portland 2012. I had this idea that PRIDE would be an assembly of gays celebrating who we are in a world that wants us to sit down and shut up. What I found was that there is as much judgment and hate amongst the gays as there is in the world at large. I had my fill of that when I was closeted, I didn’t go through the pain and loss of coming out just to be hated on by members of the gay community. Some very good friends took me to my first pride, they were my guides on what to see and how to find your own groove in a very diverse community.. and how to spot and avoid the mean girls.

2. What did that first Pride mean to you?

* Living in a rural area I had only seen PRIDE parades and festivals on the TV machine. Which meant I had a notion that it was a bit more fabulous and over the top than it actually was. I was surprised that the parade had more church/faith groups than bars, dykes on bikes or floats. That part still resonates with me, midco pridehow much certain brands of the faith community are so willing to show their acceptance and understanding of the pain the church has inflicted, they will miss their own Sunday morning services to walk in a PRIDE parade.

3. How many different Prides have you been to?

* Two – Portland and TriCities, WA. Since I’m not able to go to Portland Pride this year, I’ll be hitting Mid-Columbia Pride next month.

4. Do you fly the Pride Flag and/or stick it to anything?

* I have a Bear Pride window cling on the Subie and I have a full-sized Bear Pride flag, but since I live in an apartment, there’s really no place to hang it other than in my window.

5. Do you still celebrate Pride? What does it mean to you now?

*1593 I’ve been “out” just five years. I think that the spirit of PRIDE is something you celebrate every day that you don’t let the ignorant homophobes of our society drag you down.

“Be who you are and say what you feel, those who matter don’t mind and those who mind don’t matter” –Dr. Seuss.

6. Does Pride need improving? If so, what changes would you make?

* I haven’t thought of it.        My next tattoo, or something like it  --->

7. How do you give back?

* I talk to others who are still closeted, giving them an ear, offering some advice from someone who’s been there. I also have done volunteer work for a non-profit assisting those living with HIV and educating others so they practice safer sex. dax

BONUS

What kind of trouble or embarrassing moment have you had during Pride?

* Nothing to debaucherous… yet.

I did fall into the trap of spending too much money on the sexy stripper boys at Silverado. It’s fun in the moment, but filled with regret later because I could have used that $$ for something useful. But.. .in the moment… it’s hella FUN! (This boy is a bit too skinny but his muscles felt nice… and he let me wrap a unit of paper currency around his rather ample cock.)

OMG JT

**Check out Sean the author of TMI Questions and check out some of the other participants (in sidebar)

Friday, June 6, 2014

Happy PRIDE Month

It has been five years since I began to live the Shakespearian mantra, “To thine own self be true”. It’s not always easy; sometimes you start to think it would be easy to be just as others expect you to be. Life is better today than it was then, and it will continue to get better. Be who you are… be true to yourself… and, as a show of PRIDE… be there for someone who is struggling to ‘be true’.

Kelly's PRIDE 2014 CHALLENGE!

After last years lack luster participation in the PRIDE CHALLENGE, I thought I would give it a rest this year, but with all that has happened since then, I am throwing it out there again.  Please take the picture above and post it on your blog, Facebook, Instagram, or any other social media and link it to me or message me, so I can recognize those who participate.  We have had a huge movement in the last 12 months in favor of equal rights and marriage equality across the country and this picture I took years ago, I think, brings it all together.  We have Pride, and we are Americans and we can live together as a country.  Regardless of religious beliefs, we all know people that we love who may not like the LGBT lifestyle, but love their family who may be a part of our community. So many things have happened in so many states and courts in the past year, we need to really celebrate this June's Pride Month.  If you post the picture or see it somewhere, please let me know and I will link it to this post as it will be at the top of my blog for the month of June. When I first did this many years ago, I had over 100 people post the picture.  This year, please help me make it 1000.  Whether it be Facebook or some other social media... let me know so I can recognize and add to the list on a daily basis with a link or without a link.... Show me who is supporting this massive movement across the country this year... speak out and I will link to you and also, if you have your own Pride Picture, I will post it, just send it to me. 2014 is our year... let's make it a great one!!!  Thank you for your support over the years!!!  We are getting there....

Those who have posted and shown support (so far)t:
1: Mrs. Richardson on her Facebook, Pintrest and Twitter-Thank You!!
2: Mac at Yummy of the Day
3: Anne Marie in Philly (hugs my dear) at From My Brain to My Mouth
4: Jay in Virginia
5: Nicheva on blog and tumbler
6: Sean at Idle Eyes (smooches my friend)
7: Java at My Life or Something Like It
8: Helen over at Eclectic Potted Histories
9: The Cajun
10: Robert at Welcome to the Middle Ages
11: Buddy Bear (grrrrr)
12: Sean over at Sean the Jeep Guy  (also posted on his other websites and social media... Smooches)
13: Mark Harshbarger on his Facebook page and over at his blog
14: Urspo at Spo-Reflections
15: Erick Rubright at Gambrinous with Griffonage
16: Upton King

Monday, May 26, 2014

TMI Memorial Day

Here we are again, the post that shares more about my personal life and/or habits than you may want to know. Sean at Just a Jeep Guy started it, now all the cool kids are doing it.

Pull on your BIG GIRL panties and buckle in…

o-RICHARD-SHERMAN-facebook

MEMORIAL DAY WEEKEND

1. Memorial Day is a day of remembrance but it also signifies the "Official" start of summer. What are your plans this weekend?zack

  • I have absolutely NO plans this weekend… such is the glamorous life of a single gay man in rural Eastern Oregon.

2. What is your most and least favorite thing about summer?

  • The list of favorite things is lengthy… warmth, long days, tanned skin, exposed skin, travelling… not being cold. If I had to choose a least favorite thing… BUGS.

3. What do you think of when I say "Bar-B-Que?"

  • Outdoors, friends, food, beer

4. What is your favorite summer food?IMG_20140325_205015_628

  • Fresh fruits and veggies at the farmers market. Seasonal salads made with those items. BBQ food with friends on a summers evening. It all just tastes better on a deck over the river as the sun sets.

5. Are you is swim suit shape yet?

  • I’m MUCH better than I was last summer… but maybe not all the way there yet. Some may still run screaming from the pool, shielding the eyes of their children.

6. Given the choice, which do you prefer: ocean, lake or pool?

  • Ocean

7. Which summer blockbuster movie are you most looking forward to seeing?jupiter_ascending_000

8. Summer reading: What? Recommendations?

  • I am so backlogged on my reading, I wouldn’t know where to start.

9. Vacation Plans? If you can't, what would you do if you could?

  • I’m spending a 4-day weekend in Boise in June for the Boise Music Festival, In July, some friends and I are in the early stages of planning a trip to Vegas for a Bear gathering and a camping trip in August.

10. tumblr_mu7kca9qhI1rotf35o1_500Did you ever have to go to summer school?

  • It was a threat when I was a screw-up in Middle School. Fortunately, I never had to go.

BONUS

Sex on the beach?

  • One day, I’m going to find the right man and fulfill that fantasy. I love the Oregon Coast, I refer to it as my happy place. When I’m there, listening to the waves, breathing the air… nothing is wrong in the world. One day, I will have the man of my dreams to share that experience with as we build a fire on the beach, snuggle under a blanket, watch the sunset… and get freaky.

Sunday, May 25, 2014

Sunday Stealing: Random XV

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Random XV

Wantonly stolen from: That Forthright Girl

1. How old is the oldest pair of shoes in your closet?

  • I have a pair of Birkenstock knock-offs that are 5-6 years old. They really need to be tossed, but they are convenient to have around when I need to slip on something to run outside.

2.girl Did you buy Girl Scout cookies this year? If so, what variety?

  • I buy Girl Scout cookies EVERY year. Mainly because I’m a sucker for kids selling things. I always get Samoas and Thin Mints. The last couple years I’ve added Savannah Smiles to my mandatory order, they are delicious with the morning coffee.

3. Do you know how to ballroom dance?

  • Um… no

4. Were you a responsible child/teenager?

  • Reasonably so… I had my moments.

5. How many of this year's Oscar-nominated movies did you see?

  • American Hustle – Yes
  • Captain Phillips – Yes
  • Dallas Buyers Club – Yes
  • Nebraska – No
  • Philomena – No
  • Gravity – Yes
  • 12 Years a Slave (winner) – No
  • The Wolf of Wall Street – No
  • Her – No

6. If you're going to have a medical procedure done, such as having blood drawn, is it easier for you to watch someone else having the procedure done or have it done yourself?

  • Honestly, its easier to have it done. Watching someone else get any kind of medical (or dental) procedure makes me feel ookie inside.

7. What is your favorite day of the week and why?

  • Saturday – It’s generally a day of personal choice and there is Sunday there to serve as a buffer between you and another week at the grindstone.

8. What’s the best compliment you’ve ever received?

  • You’re the best caseworker I’ve ever had.

9. Do hospitals make you queasy? ikea

  • No

10. At which store would you like to max-out your credit card?

  • IKEA

11. Are you true to the brand names of products/items?

  • Yes, Best Foods Mayonnaise and Jiff Peanut Butter. Store brands just don’t cut it when it comes to those two.

12. Which is more difficult: looking into someone’s eyes when you are telling someone how you feel, or looking into someone’s eyes when he/she is telling you how he/she feels?

  • The latter. Generally, when you are telling someone how you feel, you’ve worked up the courage to do just that. When you are being confronted, it’s much harder to hear and therefore harder to look the person in eye.

13.toot horn What’s one thing you’re deeply proud of — but would never put on your résumé?

  • My entire life, I was told I would never amount to anything or that I wasn’t smart enough. So I endeavor to prove those people wrong; it is what drives me toward success and it is also what drives me to make sure my every accomplishment is known. I was recently told that may backfire in some circumstances. When in an interview situation, I can and do speak of my accomplishments. I have a couple interviews in the pipeline this summer, I will need to revamp my sales pitch to see if I can tone it down. I fear that if I don’t sell myself, who will?

14. What’s the most out-of-character choice you’ve ever made?

  • OMG… this is something that is a daily battle. My tendency is that I do what I believe is expected of me. On top of that, I say what was expected. In the end I was lost… I couldn’t keep my opinions straight (snort) in my mind. As I was approaching 40, I couldn’t take it anymore, there were many shocked people.
    After five years, I don’t suffer fools and I say what I mean and mean what I say… for the most part. I wonder if it’s been worth it? I have lost many ‘friends’ and I don’t have a romantic partner. On the positive…  I have lost the feelings of self-loathing, multiple anti-depressant prescriptions and some really lousy people… on balance. I feel I’m better off. Although, a cuddle buddy would be AWESOME!

15. What’s your personal anthem or theme song?

  • I love music. It has always been my escape, speaking the words I wasn’t strong enough to say myself or giving my hopes and dreams a voice. Many of the songs of Queen serve that purpose… These are the Days of Our Lives, It’s a Kind of Magic, and of course… Bohemian Rhapsody. The last several months, Kenny Chesney’s Beer in Mexico has been my ringtone.

“to old to be wild and free.. too young to be over the hill… So I’ll sit right here and have another beer in Mexico… let the warm air melt these blues away”

  • I’ve been wanting to change it to “Let it Go” from Frozen, but I felt that would be just TOO GAY… Until I found this…

He's Guilty!

This has been quite a week for those of us who work with sex offenders and their victims. Bill Cosby; "Americas' Dad", was ...