A Quick Update

I knew it has been a while since my last post, I just didn't realize how long.


Shortly after that last post, I was offered a promotion to a supervisory position at work. It has been quite a learning curve and there have been many challenges. I was talking to a colleague on Friday; she said that she has been impressed by how determined I have been to be successful in this position. Mainly I just want to prove to myself, and my mentor that I was the right choice for the job. I've always believed that the more frightening the prospect, the more worthy the accomplishment.


The new position is stationed in a town 30 miles from where I had been living the past three years. I spent a little over a month commuting, before moving in August. I enjoy being back in Pendleton. There is much more to life here... good music, good beer... good people.


Two weeks after I moved, I met a guy. We hit it off right away and have had a lot of fun. It's been three months, but there are things that make me doubt the prospects of the relationship lasting into the new year. That's all I'm going to say about it right now...


My weightloss journey has stalled... I haven't been to the gym for three months (one of the "issues" I alluded to in the previous paragraph has prevented it). The good news is that I haven't gained back anything significant. Calling it a stall is appropriate. On a positive note, October 28th was the one year surgi-versary. I can still say that I weigh 127 lbs less than I did one year ago.


If you're still reading this... thank you.


Stand by... there should be more to say soon.

Checking in

Sean has written asking how I was doing, I must admit that it has been a while…

I have intentions to post frequently about life, and especially progress in my weight loss journey. In short, I’m doing fine. The surgery has completely healed. I am still learning there are things I cannot eat.

I have attained a milestone in my journey…. drum roll, Anton… I’ve lost 100 lbs!

I am now going to do something I’ve never done… publicly reveal my shirtless self. Make sure you aren’t eating or drinking…. (yes, I know you can see it already).

This was taken in October 2013, weighing 405 lbs.

And here is today… 305 lbs.

Excelsior!

Intentionally 2014

I cannot believe that 2014 is already 12 days old. I had the intention of posting my personal goals, intentions… resolutions, if you will, 10 days ago. But you know how life gets in the way, so here it is.

Physically

In 2013 I took the plunge into seriously dealing with my weight problem. You can see in the widget at right the progress I’ve made thus far, it is my intention to capitalize on the reworking of my gastro-intestinal physiology to continue making a dramatic change in my outward appearance and in how I feel about myself. Being morbidly obese has just as much to do with the way the public at large sees me, but also how I perceive myself. That being said, my goals for the year are:

• To participate in local physical events that benefit causes I’m passionate about. Up first is The Climb on April 12th to raise awareness of bullying, self-harm and suicide prevention.
• To purchase and use a bicycle.
• To look Damn Sexy like Chris Pratt (good lord! look at him!). This picture is from when he was preparing for Zero Dark Thirty, perhaps you know him as the woofy Andy Dwyer on the NBC show, Parks and Recreation?

Personally

I know that I will never find the man of my dreams as long as I’m damaged goods. I need to feel good about myself and be the person with whom I would want to be in a relationship. Over the past five years, I haven’t had much luck finding the right guy, and it seems I was the common denominator in all those failures… wherever you go, there you are.

• Maybe if I looked more like Chris Pratt and less like Chris Farley?
• Be confident in who I am and live a life with no regrets.
• Leaving the negativity of the past and embracing the possibilities of NOW.
• I feel that if I were more involved in LIFE, Mr. Right will find me. So I will get up and get out and participate.

Professionally

At work, 2013 ended filled with optimism. I participated in a Leadership Project with the Agency and my annual performance review commended me for participation in that Project and in taking on several optional duty assignments. 

• Continue to perform my duties and those voluntary duties with professional excellence.
• Position myself to take advantage of advancement opportunities.
• Take opportunities to be a valuable member of the team.

There you have it. Here’s to a prosperous New Year!

Post-Op Update: 4 weeks

Its been four weeks since surgery. My incisions are healed, but I still have some pain at the main incision site as, in the words of my surgeon, “We really worked that spot”. The twinges of pain are diminishing, but if I try to do more than I should, my body reminds me that it was cut open a month ago. The doctor says I should get that twinge for another two-three weeks.

I have moved through the pureed food stage, to the “soft” food stage. That means I can have well cooked veggies, tuna and something called stewed chicken, I am going to try to make it on my day off on Thursday and see how it turns out. My diet is made up primarily of gagsome protein shakes, greek yogurt, cottage cheese, and applesauce. Tonight I celebrated my newfound menu freedom by having 1/2 cup green beans and 3 oz. of whitefish. I have learned that if I take too big of a bite of anything and don’t chew it to the point of mush, my tiny tummy grumbles and gets cranky. So it took about 45 minutes to eat my dinner. Last week I tried to jump the date a little and had some scrambled eggs. So far that has been the only thing that refused to stay down. I told the doctor, she gave me a stern look and asked what I leaned. I told her that I learned that even eggs need to be chewed well. She said, “No, you should have learned to follow the instructions and not have eaten eggs before week four”. She encouraged me to try again this week.

I have found that I get huge cravings. I see ads for pizza and I can almost taste it. It’s the knowledge that if I were to try to eat something like that, I would spend a bit of time in the bathroom feeling like I was going to die.

As you can see in the sidebar, I’ve lost 48 lbs. thus far. It’s actually hit a plateau as I’m not really exercising. I walk some, but mostly I’m not doing a whole lot. Once my body stops twinging, I’ll hit the gym again and the weight should melt away.

Finally, the bills are starting to arrive. If you could spare a few $$ to help with my expenses, please click the GoFundMe widget in the sidebar. If you give $100, you get a HUG.

It’s been… one week…

It’s been one week since I went under the knife… or laparoscope to be precise. It seems that drinking water, sleeping and trying to get nutrition has been my full-time job.

Frankly, I’ve been surprised at how well the recovery has been going. When I woke up in recovery Monday afternoon, it hurt to breathe deeply or move. I have five incision points on my abdomen (don’t worry, no pics) and I have learned just how much ANY movement involved abdominal muscles. As I sit here tonight, the largest incision is still causing a bit of discomfort. I’m glad to say that I haven’t had to take the narcotic pain meds since Thursday.

I have noticed the last two days that I’ve felt motivated to take on a project; yesterday I took down the Halloween decorations and today I drove to the store for some yogurt, both resulted in sleeping the afternoon away.

The biggest challenge has been getting in protein. Every brand of protein that I tried and enjoyed BEFORE surgery I stocked up on them so that I would have a variety to choose from in my efforts to get 100+ grams each day. I have learned that a number of the folks in the support group were RIGHT! Almost every one of those protein sources are NASTY now. Before surgery I could shotgun a bottle of protein shake, now I have to sip. That may have something to do with it. I've been trying to find other ways to get protein within my “allowable” menu. The best way is with Greek yogurt and I found that Lucerne has a 2% milk with 13 grams of protein in each cup.

Finally, the primary measure of the success… my weight. You can see the progress in the Fitness Pal widget in the sidebar. That number is based on my official starting weight last summer and includes my progress through tonight. One of the surprising lessons of surgery last week was that I actually gained weight in the hospital from IV fluids and swelling from the surgery.

Surgery Eve

24-hours from right now, I will be going through pre-op procedures at the hospital in Portland, OR. It has been quite a journey to get to this point. This is my second attempt at this, in 2010 I failed to meet the pre-clearance requirements. But letting three years of water flow under the bridge as I tried to make changes in my life to become more healthy and happy with my appearance motivated me to give it a try in 2013.

So here I am. I’m nervous about the idea of re-plumbing my digestive system. I’m anxious about the 0.1% chance that something could go wrong. But mostly I’m hungry… watching football on this fine Sunday doesn’t help, with the pizza ads making me think of this great pizza place in McMinnville, Mikey’s Pizzaria… pictured is 1/2 Blue Buffalo (onion rings) and 1/2 Lumberjack (jo-jo’s)… gastronomic perfection.

Mainly I’m thinking about whether this is going to be the tool for which I’ve been searching for 25 years. In the past I have successfully lost weight. one time up to150 lbs. (pictured). But without the restriction on emotional eating, it would all come back… with friends.

I must learn to eat small… eat healthy in order to accomplish and maintain health and sexiness.

Some say this is a cop out… if only you would push away from the table, if only you would move more… you will accomplish this goal. I feel like a failure in this area, just like I did when I failed to pray the gay away. If you would just have more faith… if you would just pray more… oh and my favorite… God doesn’t give us challenges we can’t handle.

NEWSFLASH… you cannot will yourself straight and some people cannot will themselves thin… at least not for very long. 

See you on the other side.

Can You Help a Brother Out?

I have spent much of the day on the phone with people from various aspects of the surgery in Portland on Monday. I had my “last supper” last nights and I am into a liquid only diet for the weekend. One of the aspects I dealt with today was the financial one. I figured it would work itself out, and it will, but I am still under court ordered poverty. That is what I call the hit my paycheck takes each month to keep my ex from descending into the hell she deserves.

I have worked out a payment plan with the doctors/surgeons/anesthesiologists and the hospital that has pleased them, but any relief you my humble reader can offer would be greatly appreciated. Please click the link in the sidebar.

T-Minus… One Week

One week from tonight, if everything goes according to schedule I will be in recovery from Gastric Bypass surgery.

In preparation for the big day, I was instructed to stop taking vitamins today and I need to stop the intake of caffeine sometime this week. I began tapering off today. I only had one 16 oz. mug of coffee with pumpkin spice creamer this morning. I expected a low grade dull headache… and I wasn’t disappointed. It is my plan to drink just one mug of coffee, instead of approximately 36 oz. per day by Friday. I’m told it will be months before I can have caffeine again (if ever). Some of the folks on the online support group said they started working coffee back in at about 2 months. In case you’re wondering why I have to stop caffeine, it dehydrates. Plus, my post-op stomach will hold approximately 2 oz. and filling it with coffee will make the race to avoid dehydration a bigger challenge.

Also on the calendar this week, going liquid. Beginning Friday morning, my diet must be totally liquid… water, protein drinks, Jell-O, milk and broth. The last time I will eat solid food with reckless abandon will be Thursday night.

I am anxious about having major, life altering surgery in six days. But I’m more anxious about being able to make it work. Oh… and NOT dying. That would be good.

Prohibition

I had a phone consult with my surgeon this morning. I knew that there would be a number of drastic changes coming my way once my digestive system was re-plumbed, but I learned this morning that the prohibitions of food and drink will happen sooner that I thought.

My Roux-En-Y Gastric Bypass surgery will take place on Monday, October 28th, but I will need to begin a total liquid diet on Friday, October 25th, ceasing all intake of said liquids at midnight Sunday. I’m not sure yet about how I feel about knowing that the last time I will eat something solid with reckless abandon is less than three weeks away.

Also, I have two weeks of coffee left. I learned that I must cease caffeine intake before I start the liquid diet. I can resume, albeit in much smaller quantities 6-weeks post-op. But that may be difficult because drinking water, one ounce at a time will be my new full time job. I purchased a small glass with ounces marked on the outside. I figured it will be handy when I can start ‘eating’ smooth soups during weeks three and four post-op. 

I have in the past demonstrated that I can commit to healthy eating and exercise in short bursts, adding in the restriction of a smaller stomach will serve as a kind of safety net to keep me from sabotaging the work I do in the gym. So many people call this surgery a “tool” and that is how I choose to see this process. It will aid in my transition to a healthy lifestyle. I am committed to a moment of inconvenience as I transform to the healthy, more active individual trapped inside.

Ch-Ch-Changes

Three weeks from tonight I’ll be in Portland, it will be the night before I have surgery to rearrange my digestive system and change the way I live my life.

On September 17th, I learned that I had successfully cleared the insurance requirements in order to schedule the surgery. Since then I have moved between feelings of excitement for the new chapter my life is about to write, and fear. The fear is normal, I think. I fear the idea of surgery, general anesthesia and being alone when I get home… oh yeah, and death.

A new fear joined that list recently, allow me to explain.

It’s quite obvious that no one finds me sexual appealing, because I certainly don’t. At least not enough to move into something more than the rare rendezvous. Recently I deleted my Growlr profile because I was tired of being rejected and insulted by guys looking for a hook up. So, part of my motivation for this drastic turn my life will take in three weeks is to change my appearance, and hopefully how I feel about myself. In the end, improving my ability to attract a mate.

Yes, I am doing this for my health and for longevity… but if I’m honest with myself (and you dear reader) I’m also doing it for self-esteem and for a partner.

After all… a number of my 100 Reasons are to be a sexy beast.

The night before…

Nine years ago I weighed in the mid-400’s…

… that’s me wedging my ample ass into a seat at Safeco Field in Seattle. It would take a car accident 18-months later to wake me up to the need for change. After joining WeightWatchers and spending an inordinate amount of time at the gym. I lost over 130 lbs.

Unfortunately, spending a great deal of time at the gym wasn’t sustainable once I began the journey through divorce and grad school. Neither of those activities are advisable for someone who eats his feelings. Two more years later and I was once again bumping up against 400 lbs.

I’ve sincerely tried to capture lightning in a bottle again, without success. As I’ve talked about previously in this blog, I am pursuing weight-loss surgery. As a part of that process, I am required to lose 20 lbs. in addition to a number of other screening processes. At my last appointment I was down 12 lbs. I have another appointment tomorrow. If I make the 20 lbs., then they can schedule the surgery.

My fingers are crossed.

Update: Weightloss Surgery

The ‘battle of the bulge’ has long been a challenge for me. I have tried countless plans and pills. The most successful period was chronicled on Rejected Reality Classic when I got my weight down into the mid 200’s. But that period was unsustainable because it mostly came because I was spending a great deal of time at the gym to avoid my failing marriage. Once I started grad school fall term 2008, I saw the weight creeping back on. By the time I graduated in June 2010, most of the weight was back.

I am lucky enough to work for an agency were the insurance covers weight loss surgery. I applied for and the surgery was deemed medically necessary due to the multiple diagnoses of sleep apnea, occasionally flirting with diabetes, occasional high blood pressure AND weighing over 400 lbs. I had my first appointment with the doctor in Portland on July 16 which included blood draws, a psychological test and an EEG. I also learned that I had to lose 20 lbs. before the surgery was scheduled. My official starting weight was 404 lbs. I returned home and set to monitoring my diet and going to the gym regularly.

On August 22, I found out my blood was deficient in Vitamins B12 and D and that I had lost 12 lbs. Oh, and I found that I wasn’t crazy.

My next appointment is on September 17… stay tuned.

The Journey

There's a tab above that lists 100 reasons why I want to and need to lose weight, and if you click on Rejected Reality (classic) in the right bar, you will see how I blogged my previous weight lost journey. A journey that resulted in this...

Summer 2008 - 250 lbs.

A lot of stuff has happened in my life since that picture was taken. I've spent the last year trying to catch lightning in a bottle again without success. Last month I went to the doctor and he told me that I'm pre-diabetic and I'm also showing signs of other weight related health issues. I've thought about weightloss surgery in the past, in fact I was trying to qualify for it back in 2006 when I ended up doing it on my own. I talked to my doctor about it and he agreed that it would be a good idea to pursue that tool. He wrote me a letter of medical necessity to send to the insurance.

The insurance pre-qualified me and I heard from OWLS today to schedule my first pre-op appointment on July 19th.

Join me as I chronicle this journey.... again.