For most of my life I was trained through education and pain to give the right answer to a question. I formed my life, into a dizzying labyrinth of facts I didn’t believe and opinions I didn’t hold… pretending to be a person I was not. I held an anger below the surface towards the hypocrisy I saw in this world I lived in and in my own mind. I would hold it in for so long that, like a boiler approaching the bursting point, I had to let it out some where. My X-wife used to say that I had anger control issues. I have lost jobs because the anger would come out over a stupid comment of a customer. I spent most of the 90’s and 2000’s taking mood stabilizers, but the anger was still there. 
I wonder, did you like that John better? The married father who seemed so normal, yet had momentary lapses of containment? Did you like the John better that nodded in the church service yet put no action to the words, except for in the lives of other club members?
After much internal struggle; weighing the pros and cons of who I was and how sustainable the increased psycho-tropic medications were, I decided I’d had enough. Enough of the bullshit, enough of the hypocrisy, enough of the falsehoods. Five years ago this month, I separated from my wife, came out of the closet and began living the mantra, “to thine own self be true”.
Five years later, I don’t take meds to balance my mental health. I don’t have migraines, My eldest said once, “Dad, you seem happier now”. But I’ve paid quite a cost… I’ve also lost a LOT of friends and one of my children has divorced herself from me. . I sit alone at home way too much. It is especially painful on major social days like today, there are two major football games, there are people I know gathered in living rooms around this city, and I wonder do any of them think….
- “Gosh, John mentioned several times this week that he didn’t have plans. Maybe I should have asked him over?”
- “I saw that John desperately posted on facebook that he was watching the game alone… he’s so funny”.
Makes you wonder… maybe I should have stayed a pill-popping fraud… did you like THAT John better?
Ask yourself.... would you be alright with having the outbursts, the migraines, etc. if you were still in the closet?
ReplyDeleteGo the extra step and ask friends, "hey, would you wanna get together and watch the game this weekend?" Building those social relationships take time, but part of the struggle is simply putting yourself out there.
For the friends you've lost, that's THEIR loss. For your daughter, give her time and space, but also be there for her when she's ready to talk.
You're an amazing person John! If only we were a few thousand miles closer, we would totally watch the game with you. Although Matt and I are 49'ers fans. ;-)
You're better off now but you have to learn to accept it. Reread this post and you'll see you already know that. Your former life cost you you which was no benefit to anyone - ya, they might have liked that but it was a lie.
ReplyDeleteIt's a trust issue - how can you trust someone and have a true relationship with them if they don't know who you are and you can't be who you are. Not being yourself was killing you.