Friday, December 21, 2012

Police Blotter: 12/21/12

barney-fife

Most people believe that life in rural America is free from the ravages of crime, that we sleep peacefully without the wail of sirens in the middle of the night. All it would take is a peek at the police blotter many small town newspapers print to be proven wrong.

  • A call at 12:35am to report that a 6 ft. tall, 190 lb, 20 year-old man with brown hair and eyes was leaving the neighbors house wearing a tan windbreaker with the collar pulled up. – Perhaps he should have turned off the the Grindr app? At least they left out if he was a top or bottom and whether he was into cuddling or not. 
  • The Assistant Manager at the Walmart called to report that an employee who works in the firearms department was to be fired and she worried about his instability and his frequent statements that he had a gun in his car. – Yeah, nothing goes together like instability and a firearms… anywhere but Walmart! 
  • A woman called police to report she had been living with her parents for a month when she left for the day to visit her husband. When she returned she discovered they had moved and taken her children to an undisclosed location. – It took me a month to pack a 2 bedroom apartment to move. What was this chick on that she didn’t notice they were able to pack up grandparent level accumulation AND kid stuff in order to move in one day?
  • A woman arrived at a local hospital complaining of burning and swelling of the eyes after using the public restroom at a park. – Sweetheart, you’re doing it wrong!
  • A caller reported a man in a mask and fatigues “with a large knife” was walking along Main Street. – Crocodile Dundee?
  • Police warned a church group to stay out of the road while they were handing out flyers. – Unless it’s in the King James you can’t tell those Christians anything.
  • A woman reported to the police that her children were assaulted by a “mean girl” with a hockey stick. Upon questioning, police learned the children had been playing hockey on the community ice rink. The officer explained that some assaultive behavior is part of the game. – An integral part. Seriously, how protective is this mother that she conjured up a story of a “mean girl” and an assault from a game of hockey? I’m wagering the kids had a blast.
  • Police were called to the community ice rink on a complaint that a german shepherd dog was interfering with children playing hockey. Police seized the dog, took him to the city pound and contacted the owner. – Oh Please! I bet the mother with the assaulted kids called it in. She incarcerated a dog who was PLAYING with kids who were PLAYING a game. Why, in my day he would have been part of our defense strategy!

That’s a look at the rash of crime that kept the citizen-monitors busy this week in Rural Eastern Oregon. 

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