Under Siege

There is only one item on my Christmas List... it is been there for so many years maybe it's not possible to acquire... it's Security.

I feel like I live in a constant state of stress, anxiety… under siege. There is a disaster is lurking in the mailbox, under the hood of the car or behind the next ring of the phone.

I've tried grasping at security in the comfort of a relationship. Allowing red flags to flutter like they are in a Category 5 Hurricane, sacrificing my identity and my mental health as I grasp for security.

During the month of December the siege expands to gift expectations... court ordered poverty doesn't help.... two weeks to payday... less than a quarter tank of gas... and $30 in the bank. Now you see why I wish I could wave a wand and fast forward to January 5th.

Rolling Along

My ill-advised relationship came to a sputtering end this past week as he packed his stuff out of my house and headed back to California. The last week had him sleeping on my couch, moping around the house and heaving heavy sighs. On several occasions he proclaimed that he didn’t understand what went wrong. I would restate my position… using small words. He would heap the passive aggressive martyrdom on the Facebook minions. Many of my friends had ‘friended’ him in a sign of support for our relationship wondered if he was really sleeping on a bench in the park as he insinuated. He was a very interesting fellow… if you didn’t dig too deep. The day he left, we hugged and I wished him luck. He maintained that we would stay in touch… and then he blocked me.

Good Riddance!

The sad part is that the whole reason I sought out this transfer was to be in the same town as my son as he went through his senior year and one of the MAJOR reason I finally grew a set and ended it was when I learned that he had flipped off my son’s girlfriend as she walked past my house. Not only was it bad that a grown assed man flipped off a 16 year old girl that he didn’t know, but he denied it even happened… because there are just scores of 6’5” black men living in this town that just happened to be smoking a cigarette outside my house as she walked by.

As I posted before, he was jealous, immature and paranoid. Anytime I spoke to, or even looked at another guy I was peppered with 20 questions with the insinuation that I was having sex with the individual. Initially, I would explain exactly how I knew the individual and say how ridiculous it was to think I was sexually involved or even attracted to them. Instead of accepting my explanation he accused me of lying.. which makes me irritated.

Honestly, he wasn’t my “type” in any way… except the sex. Damn… that was good!

For the foreseeable future… no relationship, no hookups. I’m going to focus on ME, my KIDS and my JOB. On balance 2014 has been a good year. My Joy Jar is full and I’m looking forward to opening it up on 01/01/15… stay tuned.

EXCELSIOR!