Coming Out Day 2013

Just in case you didn’t know… I’m gay.

I came out of the closet five years ago next month. There wasn’t much keeping the closet door shut in 2008, other than my own denial. There have been a number of casualties in the wake of my decision, but there have been many more victories. I regret the deception I felt I had to live and I regret the pain I have caused those I love. The fear of the pain and the deception is brought on by the bigotry that runs rampant in some communities and in many families. Just like me in the late-80’s, so many kids would rather live a lie than live the truth.

As I mentioned, there have been wins and losses over the past five years. Many of those losses were brought on by a vengeful ex-spouse who has hurled hate, revenge and spite at me whenever she has had a chance. I have four children, I didn’t get to tell them on my terms, she she took it upon herself to tell the kids their dad was gay; I guess was an effort to drive a wedge between me and them (Hell, she told anyone she could find). So far, she has been successful with one of my daughters. I hope that she will one day overcome the anger her mother placed in her heart and will forgive me for living a lie.

I am fortunate that my other children are more enlightened and have noticed that I no longer struggle with anger as I did when I was married and I no longer take anti-depressants. I guess Bill Shakespeare  was right… to thine own self be true.

TMI Thursday:

Sean at Just a Jeep Guy started it, now all the cool kids are doing it

MUSIC MAKES THE PEOPLE COME TOGETHER

• How often and where do you listen to music?
  • I listen to music all the time. I use Spotify at home and I have an iPod dock on my desk at work. In the car, I mostly listen to NPR, but when that gets depressing I listen to the local Classic Rock station.
• When was the last time you bought music in CD format?
  • I bought Justin Timberlake’s 20/20 Project Vol. 1 in CD format… well, it came along with an appropriate purchase at one of those clothing stores my teenage daughters drag me into. I bought the clothes… I got to keep the CD.
• Do you buy complete albums or just a song at a time? Is this different now because of iTunes?
  • It depends. When I’m looking for a specific song I heard on Spotify or on the radio I’ll listen to other songs on the album to see if I like what I hear. The last album I bought on iTunes was The Heist by Macklemore and Ryan Lewis.
• From who do you purchase your digital music?
  • Generally iTunes.
• Do you listen to satellite or internet radio? How about Podcasts?
  • I subscribe to a couple podcasts, my favorite right now is the Shredz Workout Mix. It’s an hour of high-energy workout music, mixing modern and more familiar tunes. I use Spotify on my home computer. I’ve listened to Pandora and Slacker a couple times, but I don’t want to burn data if I can avoid it.
• What are your favorite kinds of music?
  • I'm eclectic. My foundational music is classic rock from the 70’s and 80’s. I have a couple modern bands I enjoy and I’ve been known to bust out some Snoop Dogg along with Reba McEntire.
• Today's music_____!
  • … is mostly crap, but there is a diamond in the pile from time to time.
• What music is you guilty pleasure?
  • I listen to what I like… to me it’s all a guilty pleasure.
• Have you heard a song recently that reminds you of someone?
  • A couple months ago I took my daughters to the Daddy-Daughter Dance. We had a great time until…. they played Butterfly Kisses. Daughter #1 just turned 18… the tears were flowing for both of us. She says, I remember when I was little and you used to sing that song.
    

BONUS

• Do you play music to set the mood?
  • I’m always in the mood.
• Once it's set, what do you play to keep the action moving?
  • The music in the background of the porno is usually good to seal the deal.

Prohibition

I had a phone consult with my surgeon this morning. I knew that there would be a number of drastic changes coming my way once my digestive system was re-plumbed, but I learned this morning that the prohibitions of food and drink will happen sooner that I thought.

My Roux-En-Y Gastric Bypass surgery will take place on Monday, October 28th, but I will need to begin a total liquid diet on Friday, October 25th, ceasing all intake of said liquids at midnight Sunday. I’m not sure yet about how I feel about knowing that the last time I will eat something solid with reckless abandon is less than three weeks away.

Also, I have two weeks of coffee left. I learned that I must cease caffeine intake before I start the liquid diet. I can resume, albeit in much smaller quantities 6-weeks post-op. But that may be difficult because drinking water, one ounce at a time will be my new full time job. I purchased a small glass with ounces marked on the outside. I figured it will be handy when I can start ‘eating’ smooth soups during weeks three and four post-op. 

I have in the past demonstrated that I can commit to healthy eating and exercise in short bursts, adding in the restriction of a smaller stomach will serve as a kind of safety net to keep me from sabotaging the work I do in the gym. So many people call this surgery a “tool” and that is how I choose to see this process. It will aid in my transition to a healthy lifestyle. I am committed to a moment of inconvenience as I transform to the healthy, more active individual trapped inside.

Ch-Ch-Changes

Three weeks from tonight I’ll be in Portland, it will be the night before I have surgery to rearrange my digestive system and change the way I live my life.

On September 17th, I learned that I had successfully cleared the insurance requirements in order to schedule the surgery. Since then I have moved between feelings of excitement for the new chapter my life is about to write, and fear. The fear is normal, I think. I fear the idea of surgery, general anesthesia and being alone when I get home… oh yeah, and death.

A new fear joined that list recently, allow me to explain.

It’s quite obvious that no one finds me sexual appealing, because I certainly don’t. At least not enough to move into something more than the rare rendezvous. Recently I deleted my Growlr profile because I was tired of being rejected and insulted by guys looking for a hook up. So, part of my motivation for this drastic turn my life will take in three weeks is to change my appearance, and hopefully how I feel about myself. In the end, improving my ability to attract a mate.

Yes, I am doing this for my health and for longevity… but if I’m honest with myself (and you dear reader) I’m also doing it for self-esteem and for a partner.

After all… a number of my 100 Reasons are to be a sexy beast.

TMI Thursday: How do you like…

Sean at Just a Jeep Guy started it, now all the cool kids are doing it

How do you like_____?

• Your coffee?
• If I have GOOD coffee (i.e. Starbucks, Stumptown, etc.) I like it black. If I have general coffee (SBC or Millstone) then I use Hazelnut creamer.
• Your sandwich cut? In half, square or diagonal? Crust or no crust?
• Diagonally
• Your tea?
• Iced – Lipton, Hot – Earl Grey
• Your alcoholic beverages?
• Good Microbrews or Gin & Tonic
• Your ice-cream served: cup, cone, soft or hard?
• I like the occasional soft-serve, but my favorite is Tillamook Chocolate-Peanut Butter… in a dish, or a cone… on in a box with a fox.
• Your hair–long or short? Up or down? Straight or curly? Permed or natural?
• I like keeping it short, if I go beyond 6-weeks between haircuts, it feels uncontrollable.
• Your cell phone?
• Android – Motorola Razr HD
• Your computer?
• Laptop – Dell Studio
• Your web browser?
• Confession time… I use MSIE 9 and don’t find the issues that people generally joke about. I use Chrome at work because our computers operate on Windows XP.
• Your car?
• I currently drive a ‘99 Subaru Outback.

BONUS

• Sex Position? How often? Mild or wild? One or more?
• Bottom
• Not nearly often enough
• I’m open to new experiences as long as everyone is having fun

Sunday Stealing: Random Randomness

1. How did you choose your baby's or pet's names?
   * Two of my girls and my son were named because we liked the name. One of my daughters was named after a baseball player that was a big deal the year she was born.
   * The kitties were named Ms. Cleo after the cat in Pinocchio, I added the “Ms” because she demanded it. Rueben was named after the delicious sandwich.  
2. Have you ever been fishing?
   * Yes, I used to enjoy fishing with my Papa. I haven’t been fishing in years. I don’t know if you know this, but you can get all the fish you want at Safeway.
3. Have you ever had your national flag painted on your face?
   * No
4. What was the last social faux pas you made?
   * Speaking the truth in a case review meeting.
5. What makes you nostalgic?
   * The “what if” moments. Those moments where you wonder if things would be dramatically different if I would have turned left instead of right; said no instead of yes.
6. What's the scariest thing you've ever done?
   * Going under general anesthesia.
7. What fairy tale character would you most associate with?
   * Shrek – grouchy, loveable, helpful when there is a need… but in the end he just wants to be left alone to enjoy his space.
8. How much do you tend to swear in public?
   * More than I should… I do try to censor myself, but when I’m surrounded by ignorance, it can be difficult.
9. If you ruled your own country, who would you get to writer your national anthem?
   * Eric Idle
   
10. Who is the most intelligent person you know?
    * I have a couple friends whom I know I can turn to for sage advice.
11. What's the craziest thing you've ever done for someone?
    * Pretended to be straight.
12. What's the worst piece of advice anyone has ever given you?
    * In regard to the struggle to come to terms with my sexuality… “just stop it, you’re going to lose everything”. Sadly, they were mostly right.
13. If you had to describe yourself as a flavor, what would it be?
    * Frank’s Red Hot Sauce… sweet at the front, with a spicy finish.
14. If you had to describe yourself as a car, what would it be?
    * An Explorer… beefy, strong, yet stylish.
15. If you had to describe yourself as an animal, what would it be?
    * RAWR… I’m a BEAR! Cuddly, cute, strong… but I’ll rip your throat out if you screw with me.
16. Do you think laughing at someone else's misfortune is wrong?
    * Mostly yes… unless they bring it on themselves.
17. If a loved one was to serenade you, what song would you most like them to sing?
    * Only in my Dreams – Debbie Gibson
18. Would you ever let your parents pick out a partner for you?
    * That isn’t possible.
19. Have you ever tried spam? (the meat product).
    * Of course.

Saturday 9: Kick In The Head

1. In the song, Dean sings, "Ain't That a Kick in the Head?" to express how delighted he is to discover the girl loves him. When was the last time you were pleasantly surprised?
   * I was pleasantly surprised that the Wendy’s pretzel burger was pretty tasty.
2. Martin was born Dino Paul Crochetti, and his family only spoke Italian at home. Do you speak any language other than English?
   * Sadly, no.
3. Before he became an entertainer, Martin fought under the name "Kid Crochetti." Do you watch boxing? What about wrestling?
   * I’ve went through phases with wrestling and MMA… mainly to check out hot guys. I haven’t watched either for quite a while.
4. This song appeared in the original Ocean's 11 (1960). That film was remade in 2001, with basically the same plot -- a group of suave criminals knock over the casinos on the Vegas Strip. Why do you think so many movies feature crooks and con men as heroes? 
   * In our subconscious there is a desire to be naughty or get revenge and get away with it. Many of us fantasize about exacting revenge, saying the just the right thing and getting away with it. The Ocean’s series is one of my favorites.
5. Crazy Sam's (the author of this meme) college sweetheart took over his family's wholesale liquor business, married a woman named Helene and has two sons. How does she know this? She checked his Facebook page on the sly. Have you ever used the internet to look up an ex?
   * I have to block my ex and her family on Facebook because she’s psycho stalker who gets her jollies looking at what I post. I hear she uses our daughter’s profile to get around the block. I’m seriously considering de-friending my kids because of it. Chances are she’s reading this right now and will print it out to keep in her folder of things that offend her. It’s been FIVE years… Get a fucking hobby! 
6. As she writes this week's meme, Sam is sipping from a Big Bang Theory cup that features  Sheldon's face and the word, "Bazinga!" Tell us about your favorite mug or water bottle.
   * My favorite mug is featured at right, I also have one with a New Yorker cartoon of a man laying on a therapists couch saying “You need to up my meds doc, I can still feel”.
7. Are you a good judge of character?
   * Judging by the people I have invited into my life, I would say I’m a good judge of character 20% of the time.
8. Do you know how to turn a somersault?
   * Yes, I understand the concept of how a somersault works.
9. Which one do you use -- roll-on, stick or spray deodorant?
   * Do they still make roll-on? I use Old Spice stick.